I don’t know…

I don’t know whats holding me together today

Wats stopping me from just ending this all or crying in the middle of the hallway. Physically things suck I was going to ride my bike but the little black spots of fear clouded my eyes my heart is like a drum with a weak and drunk drummer who ocasionally remembers what he has do do and goes wild to make up for it. Everything hurts and they told me to not take advil. It’s another weigh in tommorow I’m scared I’m really scared

Lunchtime

Had a typical recovery lunch in which I make my special high calorie two days before weekly weigh in need to gian some weight or they’ll kill me noodles. And I could’nt make myself eat them. I sat there until they were stone cold and then threw them out.

That is just sad and I hate it so much I could scream. I hate my screwed-up-for-no-real-reason life. I hate the tecaher who told me “I looked good and had gained weight”

HE DOES NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR MY CURRENT SITUATION

HOW CAN HE SAY THAT

HOW CAN I BE SO MAD AT AN INNOCENT COMMENT?

cause it hurt like hell

sure I looked like I was dying a month ago but how can  he say that? It’s like “She was too skinny so I can make personal comments about her weight as I leer at her”

Yeah I noticed your stares you druken idiot.

Oh 2 of the four guppies I bought died. Like us take time to remeber Captain Wentwork and Anne Elliot

Now that my novelty of being back has worn away I’m back to my non existant self which I quite like.

Not much more to say invisible audience!

See ya later!

So I’m going back

Getting into the loop,going the fast lane Into that pressure cooker. I’m terrified.  I’ve never been so scared to go back…. People ask me questions all the time it’s getting hard to lie back to them. I’m praying real hard so I can get a little strength from God but I’m not sure I’m ever going to be strong enough….

On another note my therapist called today. She sounded okay… I guess better than that lame school one who always talks like she is adressing a person on their deathbed and not like Number Two who just asked “When you look in The Mirror What Do You See?” She gave me her number.. All this could remind of was Millhouse

You know the weirdo from the Simpsons who calls his therapist all the time! I doubt I will ever call that woman. Tommorow is a casual day , I hate those days I like my nice safe uniform with it’s big baggy pants and giant sweaters. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Not much else to say now.

I was going to go back…

I was gonna go back to school today. Uniform ready bags packed and a long string of excuses for my very long absense pre rehearsed. Then I woke up screaming with the worst fever I’ve ever felt in my life. So now I’m puking my stomach out and coughing up a storm. This sucks I mean I’ve finally made a few gains but I’m gonna lose them all with this flu! So overall life sucks. On a small happy note I bought a few guppy fish on a whim, they are very relaxing to watch it was nice. Well other than this I don’t have much to say. I selt until like 2:00 today after waking up 6:00

ck2r

I just may be too crazy for them….

So I was accepted into the outpatient

yay?

Well according to the women “she is concerned” and I just may be too crazy for them. I had to fill out a million questionares with questions like “Do you like Yourself?”

Sure I self harm,make myself puke and restrict till I pass out cause I’m an egomaniac.

These people are truly nuts who writes this stuff?

So I was also told that I may fall over dead

though my other doctor says I’m okay I think this new woman may be a crook and a liar. Or I’m just not willing to face facts and admit that I’m killing myself.

 Who knows?

Easter came and went boring and sad surrounded by family and strange situations.

I made a quiche which I could not force myself to eat. Great I ruined another holiday.

Has anyone read this?

If so comment! even if it’s just to say

I hate you and you should die

at least I’ll feel as if I’m not talking to myself.

MamaV posted on one of those inspiring quotes. Unfortunalty it simply made me feel like every bad thing that has ever happened to me I brought on myself.

Thanks Richard Bach

Thanks alot

Slipping

Well it’s another day , and I’m down another pound. I know I should smash the scale but I JUST CAN’T It’s like I know I should east but I just can’t it’s like asking me to stop breathing. I’m so scared I have my weekly weigh in tommorow and If my BMI drops much morw I won’t be able to do outpaitent and according to the doctors I’m not sick enough for inpatient.

So that puts me in limbo

and of course this is the perfect time for my group to end.

3 weeks without Danielles place how am I going to stand it! Danielles place is my amazing support centre with all my great friends Sarah and Jen and Katie. I’m alone today and supposed to be doing some work but I think I’ll post and work on the blog for a bit.

Today is a Suicide Day. It’s just one of those days where the idea of just dying right here right now is at it’s most appealing. But I HAVE to be stronger than that. THERE is no other option!

Why do I exist anymore? Can’t someone see I’m no longer deserving of life and just end it! I wish I could trade my life for someone elses. You know there are kids dying of cancer or other people dying of their ED. I got an ED for NO REASON it just showed up one day nd took over my world. But their are all those girls who have been raped and abused or homeless or had awful things happen to them.

Me? I had the “perfect” family the “perfect” life HOW COULD I HAVE NOT BEEN CONTENT?

I got an email from Megan. She said she missed me. I wrote back a happy funny normal girl email back cause she does’nt know. It’s so hard keeping this charade up with other people now that my secret is out.

2 days till outpaitent evaluation.

First Post

This is me  ck2r

and this is my eating disorder recovery blog .

The offical lable for me is a purge type anoretic for all of you medical types out there not as if anyone will really ever read this blog , you have to be insightful and witty or quick to the point to be interesting

so as I lived with my disorder…

Life was good I felt under control thinner,happier, for once I had a purpose to lose weight to be perfect. I could escape from my familys ideas of what I should be. As I delved deeper into my eating disorder I found proanorexia sites, where I thought I had my only trues friends.

It’s amazing how fast it changed though

Then the weight kept dropping and suddenly this is’nt feel-good-beautiful-controlled magic world any more. It is hell
but it’s gonna be over I know just one day
recovery is hell
I think it might be worth it but who knows what recovery
what normalcy is?
To me normal is waking up cold and purple skipping breakfast running to school and then maybe I’ll pass out in the girls washroom. normalcy is lying to my family hiding from “concerned” friends. I want to be happy but.. To be happy you must need a life right?
Anorexia and Bulima that is my life! I have to get rid of the one thing that holds me together and at the same time tears me apart

I want to live again

mamaVISION and TwistedSISTER are my inspiration behind this. So here I go down Recovery Lane whats behind it who knows?

Who cares?

It’s gotta be better than this